BOOK COVERS AND HAVING CHILDREN

This is the third set of comments which proceeded the book and also a chance to weigh in on possible book covers.   The point of these recent posts is to give you an idea of what might be in the book.

This post describes my feelings about becoming a father, first with our daughter and then with our son.   I remain intrigued about how different our kids have become.   What I appreciate about both are two qualities they hold in common.  Both have built strong marriages and are devoted to their children.  At the same time both understand the need to be active in their communities; Emily with her work in Eagle Rock Elementary and Peter in sports both football and little league.

NOTE - The original draft for these posts is in response to a series of questions that my daughter asked me in 2019.  Thus, the references are to her (as in Before you were born)  

First things first.  Presented on either side are two alternative covers for the book.  I actually like both.   If you have a preference, shoot me a note.

But now back to the blog -  This week are comments about what it was like to become a father to Emily and Peter.   One initial comment, I think it can be said, without hesitation that becoming a grandfather is much easier.

4) Describe what it felt like to become a father? What do you remember from my birth or infancy? 

There are a jumble of thoughts.  Before you were born, we were in LA visiting Albert and he gave me a book called “How to Raise an Independent Daughter” - it was a compilation of psychobabble with some Zen like phrases thrown in. I was polite but thought the way you raise independent children is to give them responsibility and love. I read at least part of the book.  In the end it was thoroughly forgettable new age crap.  I understood the intention (which was a goal I shared) but thoroughly useless.  The night before you were born Jerry and Suzy Cook visited and Suzy laughed at mom (in a nice way) because mom was huge - by that time she was wearing my sandals because those were the only shoes that fit. 

The day you were born was a busy time in the end of the legislative session.   Mom gave me a pager (Those times are called BC - Before Cellular).   On that morning I was walking up to testify on a bill by Joe Montoya in the Senate Education Committee.   The pager went off and Senator Rodda said from his chair’s position, “Mr. Brown, I think you have more important things to do than testifying on Mr. Montoya’s bill. “  Montoya gratuitously added, “Yeah and your testimony probably would not have made much of a difference.”  I walked out of the hearing and into Assemblywoman Teresa Hughes office to see what was going on - for a couple of years after that we celebrated your birthday in her office.   When Mom was ready to go into the delivery room - I waited.  I have a negative reaction to the stuff the scrubbed down the operating rooms and at that time a C-section prevented the dad from being present.  I was able to hold you first in the recovery room.   In some ways that was exhilarating but in others I realized that even more than mom I had a responsibility for the rest of my life.

That night, mom had to stay in the hospital for one night, I went to a Buffalo Chips run and then called Mom pretty blitzed and told her how excited I was.

Dawn came to help out a couple of days after you were born to help out.  

When Peter was born it was a planned C-Section - so everything was very orderly. We played backgammon while waiting, although your mom claimed she was distracted, I still collected on our bet.   

I went into the recovery room and started to talk to the nurse about how she had learned her technique. She was marvelous – professional and yet caring.  I asked her about her training and then we talked about an issue I was working on in the legislature (the use of pound animals as models) and I actually recruited her to testify against the “Dog Bill”.  Finally, mom looked up and said, Who is the patient here?”

Your mom had never had a brother and I was unfamiliar with how to deal with sisters.  (Nancy was old enough so I never dealt with her as a peer until I was an adult.). So in one sense you were unique.  That paid off later because my mother, who had all male grandchildren, kept getting you dresses made by Florence Eisman.  Many of those were velvet with appliqués which made them quite impractical for even a toddler.  But mom did not seem to care.

I wrote a simple song for Emily when she was about 1 -

Emily Bemily Booglie Brown, she’s the funniest (prettiest, sunniest) lady in town

She laughs and she giggles and she makes her sound;

That’s Emily Bemily Booglie Brown

I did a song about Peter when he was about the same age - but I cannot for the life of me remember either the fetching tune or the words.  Such is the case of second children - I should know I was fourth!  But Peter’s assertion of having a birth announcement done on the back of a napkin, is totally false.   And after a lot of effort I have found visual proof (in the book).

For both you and Pete we tried to read to you both each night at bedtime - your two favorite books were Green Eggs and Ham and A Chocolate Moose for Dinner.   Both of you liked to listen to banjo music which I played almost every night.  You heard a lot of traditional bluegrass - but the constant song you heard was John Henry.  In one sense I have always liked the message in the song because John Henry strives.  His boss says you can’t beat the machine and yet he does.

Before Pete was born we were at a summer meeting in Victoria BC.   We were going to Butchart Gardens with a bunch of nuns and you told the “bunny farts” joke. (What is invisible and smells like carrots?) Luckily the nuns thought it was charming. That night we got back and you threw a fit right before we were going to a very fancy restaurant - we should have given you a nap.   I finally, in great frustration, sat you down on the bed and said “Young lady, this behavior is unacceptable.  If you make one peep out of order at dinner I will immediately bring you back to the room, find a baby sitter and you will stay in the room.”   We then got you into your Florence Eisman dress (mom kept buying these expensive dresses that were velvet and lovely but not practical - after all you were her only grand-daughter) and we went to dinner.   Your comportment at dinner was exceptional.   When the waiter came for dessert I looked at you and said “What would you like?”   You said “What do they have?”  The waiter then described the choices including Cherries Jubilee - you asked what was that - and when he finished his description - you said “that would be wonderful and I think my father would like that too.”

When Pete was born my mother came - she was very excited because he was the first grandchild where she had a chance to care for the mom.

We also started a tradition called the “God Dammit Mile.”   When we would go on a trip with both kids, one would eventually start to frack off.  (Note the distribution of fracks was about equal!)  Because I believe in incentives, I began to offer an incentive for potty training - it was a trip to Disneyland.   When we were driving to the Magic Kingdom for Peter’s reward, you guys started yammering before we had left Sacramento.  I stopped the car on the side of the freeway and brought both of you to the side.  I said “If I hear one more peep out of either of you before we get to LA I will turn around and we will not go to Disneyland.”  I then asked “Do you understand what I have said?”   Emily sort of blubbered “Yes.”  I then added “Do you have any questions?”  She said “No”  I looked at Peter and asked him.  He waited a minute and said something like “Yes I do.  Why did the chicken cross the road?” (Or some similar non sequitur)  I nearly bit through my lip but the rest of the trip was less fracky. 

When you were about 2 I decided to take you on a business trip to Denver with me.  About 30 minutes into the flight you decided to throw a fit.   Every woman near me wanted to comfort you - you were passed around a lot.  I was proud to bring you along.  Mom took care of you during the day and when we flew back your behavior was perfect.

Pete was more likely, especially with his friend Kyle, to get into mischief than you were, at least as I knew about it.

When Emily was ready for kindergarten we spent a fair amount of time thinking about alternatives.  The local public school was a mess, although several families in the neighborhood said we should support it.   We finally decided with Emily that she would go to the Sacrament equivalent of what Quinlan went to for her entire K-12 experience, Sacramento Country Day School.   It was a stretch to support but we thought that of all the things you can buy a child, this is one of the few things that cannot be taken away.

Both kids had some excellent teachers at SCDS.   I served on the board for six years.  Peter was definitely a less diligent student - that may have been in part because the SCDS model for all its talk about meeting the individual needs of the student, seemed to be unable to deal with alternative learning styles.  When Peter was in Kindergarten we went to one back to school night and kids exhibited self portraits.  Peter’s was all blue.  Quinlan asked Peter about his painting and he said, “It is a self portrait.  It is in a pool and I am under the water.”

When Peter was in fourth grade he had a particular inept teacher.   On one assignment he chose to work very hard.  When he brought it in the teacher questioned whether he had done his own work.  I called the director of the lower school and said I wanted a meeting.   We went in and I vented my frustrations and argued that this was a chance to encourage Peter because he had worked so hard on this particular project.   The director of the lower school said to me (in classic eduspeak “Jon I can hear your anger”. At that I broke up and said “This is not an auditory test, I am sure you can hear my words but are you actually going to doing something about this problem?”

Two high school stories about Emily.  When she was a senior she was late in getting acceptance offers to college.  One of her teachers, who thought a lot of himself, kidded her about it.  He thought of himself highly, always touting his Stanford degree (he got in through the Menlo option because he did not qualify as a first year student!).   So Emily and I talked about it and created a fictitious acceptance letter from the Joe Bob School of Automotive Design - we designed a logo and all.  (The teacher also thought he was a real gearhead.).  It said

Dear Emily,

We are pleased to offer you admission  to the Joe Bob School of Automotive Design. We are especially excited because you came highly recommended from one of our most prominent graduates, who graduated with honors with a certificate in advanced tuck and roll. XXX XXXXXXX claims he actually went to Stanford, but we know better. We also are glad to admit you because it will mean we will have two babes in the entering class.

Emily brought it into his class and the guy did not even realize he was being made the butt of a joke.  In Emily’s senior year each student had to obtain an internship.  She got one with a State Senator, completely without my help.   The same teacher monitored the internships and made two inappropriate comments.  He first said when Emily described her experience “Isn’t it nice that Dads can help their kids get these opportunities.   He then asked each if they had experienced sexual harassment.   When I heard about that exchange, I called the teacher and bawled him out for about 30 minutes.  I then called the headmaster and spent another 30 minutes with him.  That night was a potluck for the seniors and their families.  I soon noticed something fun.  Every time I entered a room where the teacher was he would scurry out.   I got Emily and demonstrated the principle.  We both laughed.

Evaluating the value of private K-12 schools is hard.  In the case of SCDS they did a lot of extra things for kids who fit their model.  But they were also woefully bereft of recognition that every kid has unique educational needs. In Peter’s case we did not recognize that soon enough.   In Emily’s case even the college counseling function was inadequate.   The counselor who doubled as an English teacher and college counselor knew Emily was interested in a smaller selective college. But the counselor, when Emily expressed at least preliminary interest in a place in the South recommended that she look at UNC.  

Pete left Country Day at Eighth grade - their methods were not matched well to boys who were a bit less compliant.  He wanted to play football and so went to Christian Brothers.  Unfortunately, in one of his games he nailed a knee.   We had been on a short trip and when we came back he was lying on our couch with a blanket.   When we came in he exposed the brace he had on his leg.  It was one of those special moments.

I am especially proud that both of our kids have taken an active role in helping to shape the school experience for their kids.  They also seem to work better than we did in sharing responsibilities for raising kids.  Quinlan and I had much more traditional roles.

Finally, I should offer some comments on our kids parenting skills. Between Emily and Michael and Peter and Jessica they have very different assumptions about raising kids; both from the way we did it and the way that each works with their own children.  But the proof of parenthood is not in whether they follow our methods but in whether each of our five grandchildren are growing up to be independent contributing members of their communities.  All five have distinct personalities.  But each has developed a good sense of values.

The next post is about my involvement with running and Loma Prieta (Not related topics)

 

This is the second of nine glimpses of the types of themes in the forth coming Of Course It’s True, Except for a Couple of Lies - due in late 2020 or early 2021.   This one deals with two issues - Why I decided to get married and something about Vietnam.  The original questions came from my daughter Emily.

2) Why did you decide to marry mom?

Simply because I loved her - her sense of humor, and because I could not imagine being without her.  She was quick.  We had fun together.   I only had three serious girl friends - two in high school and your mom.  Mom was different - when I first met her she was in academic trouble and I think I helped her stay at Pacific.  

NOTE - The comments about Quinlan are a lot more detailed - how I met her (at Pacific - in fixing her guitar); how we have made decisions over the last 50+ years (we both have always had bank accounts and made lots of decisions independently; what intrigued me about her (sense of humor was big); how she is often the most fascinating person in the room even after 50 years.  Etc.

3) What was your experience of Dan or your peers going to Vietnam? What did you feel about the war? Did you think the US should be there? What should they have down instead? Not what you think now but I’m curious what you felt then.

NOTE - This set of stories is not a part of the final manuscript.   Vietnam was something that everyone in my generation experienced.   It was perhaps the one time, when I listened to Bill Clinton’s stories about the draft, that I felt an affinity with him. Although as noted in a chapter on famous people I have met - when I met him as President - he was the best extemporaneous speaker I think I ever heard.   In the book I do comment on why I thought our involvement in Vietnam was poorly managed, especially based on the Hubris of Robert McNamara.  As you will read in the chapter on Experts v. Crowds in the final version of the book I have a lot of faith in the expertise of people as a group over narrowly constituted experts.   There was a great quote from a British labor politician in Britain after WWII - who said “The gentleman in Whitehall really does know better, what is good for the people than the people know themselves.”  I believe that logic is consistently false.  It is a big part of what I believe about how we should organize ourselves in common purpose.  The philosophy chapters in the middle of the book argue that individuals often have specialized knowledge that is always better than the experts.  We need to know how and when to use that.   A recent book (Wake Up Call by John Mickelthwait and Adrian Wooldridge - well worth the read by the way) argues that governments in the West made a series of absurd decisions about how to deal with the pandemic of COVID.    For me at least the two big government initiatives in the Johnson Administration were serious examples of the hubris of advocates of big government.  Guns and Butter was something that LBJ thought was possible.   As you will read in the book the democrats are not the only ones who believe that anything is possible - the only differences between many of our leaders in the last half century was what they defined as guns and butter.   Non est talis res ut liberum prandium (there is no such thing as a free lunch) is still true. An odd saying indeed for someone who spent 40+ years on both sides of lobbying! 

Government to be successful needs to decide what it is trying to accomplish.   From my perspective that should be a short list - but once we figure out what we want to do we need to think about how to pay for it.  In recent years, because of something Mancur Olson observed (in the Logic of Collective Action) we haven’t bothered to have serious discussions of either what we want to accomplish or how to pay for it.   For me Vietnam and the Great Society came at a time in life when I was trying to figure out key questions about government - throughout my life I have kept coming back to those basics.   So below are comments that won’t be in the book - but the book does have some discussions about the other side (the butter).   I had one brother who served and several friends, including a friend who was a ranger and another to who flew Hueys.  So here are my thoughts on Vietnam, contradictory as they were then and now. 

Vietnam is perhaps the most complex event in my generation’s history.   We eased into it in part because of anti-communism of Ike and JFK but also because of the hubris of LBJ and the absolute incompetence of Robert McNamara.  LBJ thought, because of his Senate experience that you could stage manage anything.   A good part of our problems today in the US were created by LBJs attempts with the Great Society - a set of programs where we have spent trillions of dollars to end poverty with few positive results and a large set of problems which produced societal pathologies that we still live with.

I had mixed feelings about the war - I thought we should either commit ourselves to go after the enemy or not be there.   When we did fight back (as in Tet - where we clearly won) that worked. Even with that the press completely misrepresented the outcome.  McNamara (who had been a car executive and the lead General (Westmorland) made our policy inconsistent.  According to most reports Johnson actually spent a lot of time in the Situation Room - discussing strategy and the idiots in the Armed Forces accepted that.  McNamara was a numbers guy (Scientific management) so the bureaucrats down the line created numbers which were phony.

My brother Dan spent several tours in Vietnam on a small ship which patrolled the Mekong river.  He enlisted in the Navy at the end of my Senior Year in High School.  His stories about his deployments are interesting.  Peter at one point had a long talk with him about those experiences.

I did two contradictory things.  I disliked the draft intensely - If you know me at all you know my distrust of bureaucracies - and yet I tried twice to enlist in the Air Force. I failed the draft physicals and the Air Force physicals (but because of sinuses not blood pressure).  In 1967, the Congress reauthorized the draft so that those of us with student classifications were forced to double the time of our eligibility for the draft.   I studied up on the draft and the new law and was so incensed that I wrote an impassioned letter of a 21 year old to my local draft board telling them I they were neither Selective, did not perform a Service and certainly were not a system.  I am convinced that put a red letter on my file.

The rules of the Selective Service allowed one physical and one re-check.  I was marginally hypertensive (high blood pressure).   In the end they sent me six notices for a physical.   In the last one I was mildly above - so they put me in a green room - I was so mad when I came out my BP actually went up.   

When I got to graduate school in DC I did two contradictory things.  First, I tried twice to enlist in the Air Force either to be a pilot (where my sinuses knocked me out) or in intelligence.  In those two physicals I passed except for sinuses.  But at the same time I worked to make sure I would not be drafted.

When the sixth notice arrived I went to a law office of a guy who specialized in Selective Service cases.  He wrote a letter which I signed which officially retained him as my attorney of record.  I got a 4-F in 7 days.  That certainly was an exceptional response, I am not sure how that happened.

Should we have been there?  Hard question.  Our role evolved so that by the time JFK was assassinated we had only a couple of hundred troops there.  But then came the Gulf of Tonkin resolution - which was a doctored up crisis to get us into war.  After that the number of troops escalated quickly.

The Intellectuals turned against the war as soon as it became real.   When the Tet offensive happened Walter Cronkite began to change his opinion - it was the first time that I noticed that the news establishment could be biased.   By the time 1968 rolled around it was clear that LBJ could not get re-elected.   He had this idiotic speech on March 31 where he stated “If nominated I will not run, if elected I will not serve.”  I had written my Honors Thesis on the James McGregor Burns theory of presidential invincibility - where I argued Burns was wrong.  I got the paper back two days before the speech.  After the speech I went over to my professor’s house - and he laughed (he thought Burns was right) and said “I will not change the grade.”

A couple of my fraternity brothers enlisted into the National Guard.  For some reason I did not even try.

Oddly, one of the biggest supporters of the Volunteer Army was my boss in the Senate - Winston Prouty.

The draft was wrong on several levels.  The local boards could be arbitrary and the exclusions got seemingly healthy but relatively wealthy young men out of serving.  In the last physical I took, for some reason I was asked to take a second IQ test. (Go figure but for those of you who did not go through a draft physical see the scenes from  Alice’s Restaurant mixed with One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The Air Force physicals were almost pleasant.   In the last draft physical I took there was a group of perhaps 60 guys in a class room and a short Napoleonic NCO came in trying to look tough and claiming that if any of us intentionally failed the test, we would immediately be sent to Vietnam.  There was a huge Black guy from Baltimore behind me - it was clear he would eventually end up as a draftee, he was angry.  He started ask all of the guys in the back to give him their pencils.  As the NCO was about to finish his harangue, the big guy stood up with about 30 pencils in his hand assembled like a bundle of twigs, broke them in half and then said “Hey Honkie, we need some more pencils here.”  The NCO looked like he was going to faint but quickly handed the guy a new set of pencils.  The draft physicals were bureaucratic in the extreme.   

Opponents of the volunteer army consistently argued that everyone owes a debt to their society and the draft was a great equalizer.  The problem was it was not a good way to do that - young men with resources found all sorts of ways to avoid the draft from the national guard to medical claims.  And yet I remain opposed to the idea of universal basic service.  BUS presents all sorts of problems in my mind - the conception of a common culture when I was growing up depended on a series of activities including flag salutes and all sorts of opportunities to understand the unique nature of our American system.  We lost those things in part because of cynicism.   From my view that came from a common understanding of the over-reach of the supporters of expansions of government and a concurrent absurd reading of the thinkers like Adam Smith.   

The next post describes my feelings about becoming a father.

NEXT STEPS

I have not published in this space since June.  Over the summer, I actually got some kind notes from regular readers who asked when the next post was coming. Regular readers of Five Cent Thinking have known about an effort by me to write a book.  When I first retired, I thought about doing a Memoir (or as C.S. Lewis called it something done by people of my age in their "anecdotage").  One of the first things I wanted to do was to figure out more about the person I was named after, Jonathan Archer, who came to California in 1849.   His story caused me to do some research into his experiences of coming around the horn and living in California but also into the larger story of both the family who stayed in New York and the thousands of others who came to California.  The last post had an early version of the chapter.

After the initial burst of enthusiasm inertia intervened and  some good reasons, including procrastination, the book project stalled.  When I wrote my dissertation there was an incentive at the end - A suitable for framing degree (which I never did frame) and a title which I rarely use. Then I got Lymphoma and that encouraged my daughter, Emily, to push me on the project.  Her first prompt was to send me a list of questions which she wanted me to answer.   I worked on that a bit more than a year ago and sent her the results which turned out to be a long response.   But then for last Christmas she gave me something called Storyworth, which is a site which encourages the recipient to answer  questions about their life which, when completed, is compiled into a book.  I started that project in January.  I had two reactions to it.  First, Storyworth is a great idea, poorly implemented; the online version's editor is primitive. I suspect if they were a bit more entreprenurial they might generate a lot more income But second, as Quinlan suggested the project was positive because "it kept me off the streets."   That was especially useful as the pandemic evolved.   During the Spring in SMA I could easily spend a couple of hours a day working on the issues.  That required some research but also to think about what things I wanted to say. 

At the end of the summer I had a kind offer from a former colleague who agreed to edit the draft. My God she has patience.   But I then had two other decisions to complete.   First, I needed a title for this project.  And I came up with Of Course It’s True, except for a Couple of Lies; a Memoir.  And while I thought briefly about including the picture of Indiana on the cover (See Above) I finally decided on another photo taken in SMA a couple of years ago as thinking it more appropriately represented the contents of the book.

I also had the great good fortune of having a couple of friends who have published books, including one novel (Mike Ericksen Pianist in a Bordello) and three very funny memoirs on developing an international business that I had the opportunity to read when they were originally emails to the author's family. (Robert F. Hemphill; Goats Ate our Wires , Stories from the Middle Seat , and Dust Tea, Dingos and Dragons ) I asked them about their experiences.  They gave me some great ideas.  I recommend all four books.  They are inventive, in different ways.

After ten months of work, I am at a place where I am ready to write a conclusion, getting to a couple of more edits and then decide whether to publish on Kindle or Apple Books. I talked to one arm of Simon and Schuster but was not impressed with their potential value added.  But here are my intended next steps.  First, with her permission, I am going to publish on this blog, the responses to Emily, slightly edited, to give you an idea about what you might find in the final manuscript.  Those will  be divided into nine separate posts.  From my perspective, that will either tantalize potential readers or not.  Second, then by the end of the year, I will go forward with both an Ebook and a paperback version.    For those of you who are willing I would appreciate any comments on these pre-publication teasers. 

The book is really three books - a first section, which I have described previously which present some (hopefully) interesting stories about family.  I started with a simple premise.  We all tell family stories which we filter through our experiences.  I first noticed that with my two aunts and my siblings.  Neely, my mother’s youngest sister, had a great talent for remembering and elaborating family stories - which actually were modified over time - not cynically but often with positive effects.

 The second part, which sets out six philosophy chapters that conclude with an explanation of “Why I am not a progressive". Those of you who know me well will understand that the conclusion was not hard to come to for me - BUT I was inspired to write it based on some correspondence I had with a long time progressive friend over the last year but also because one of my favorite economists wrote a similar essay - then called "Why I am not a conservative"  

The final section responds to a series of questions asked by either Emily or Storyworth.  The final chapter, for example, before the Conclusions,  yet to be written explores our trauma on race issues that we lived through this summer., it links White Fragility author Robin DiAngelo and Homer Plessy (the subject of the infamous Plessy v Ferguson decision).  Not surprisingly I reacted to DiAngelo's Critical Race Theory nonsense negatively (actually that is a bit of an understatement) but I still believe one of our challenges for the country is to get closer to MLK's standard being judged on the content of one's character not the color of their skin.  From my view Critical Race Theory is a horrible example of what JPII called “endless meanderings of erudition” (describing the risks facing universities who don’t go after the truth.  But in the case of CRT, there is a lot of psychobabble and almost no erudition.  I have shipped some of the chapters out to friends who are interested in a particular area and have gotten some excellent critical reviews, I am thankful for those comments.

As was offered by the spirit in Dickens A Christmas Carol - expect the first in about a week.